When the Cat's Away
by LiteralBlue
Summary: The Mice Will Blow Up the Hideout. Now they have two weeks to somehow put it back together before Leader comes home and massacres them all. They need help, but from who? Or rather, whom? Where IS Leader, anyway? Tobicentric, Leadercentric, and Sai too!
1. The Boombangcrashsmashkapowboingding

* * *

A/N Well, it's snowing in South Devon for the first time in at least ten years. It's really beautiful.

* * *

Konan liked her forts. She made them out of various things: linens, bamboo poles, empty cereal boxes, cardboard, human bones and anything else she could lay her hands on. Her room was filled with them, each with its own purpose. Right now she lay on a heap of cushions in the TV Fort watching re-runs of Fig, the popular soap opera, when she heard frantic running footsteps in the hall outside. Thinking somebody had probably pissed off Leader and was looking for a hiding place, she got up to lock her door, but just as she reached it it burst open, sending her flying. And who should be stood there, gasping for breath, wild-eyed and dishevelled, but...

_LEADER?_

There was something terribly, terribly wrong here. "Umm... Leader-sama?" She approached him cautiously, but he darted towards her, grabbed her shoulders and shook her roughly.

"They – they were – they were having a..." He gasped for breath. She nodded, equally worrying, patting his shoulders as comfortingly as she could. "They were having a... a _snowball fight!_"

"Oh my God!"

* * *

A snowball came flying out of nowhere and struck Kisame on the nose; the fish-man was momentarily stunned, but recovered quickly and scooped up a ball of snow, hurling it with deadly accuracy at Tobi, who poked his head out from behind a rock at the wrong moment. The only ones not playing were Leader, who Just Didn't, Hidan, who owned no shirts and could not take the cold, Konan, who had been in the shower when the snow began to fall, and Sasori, who was adoring the beauty of the snow settling on Deidara's hair.

* * *

Leader crouched in the corner, consuming box after box of Konan's tissues to dab at his watering eyes, hiccuping and sobbing in as manly and authoritarian a way as he could manage. Konan crouched beside him, patting him on the back comfortingly. "There, there," she said, "it's okay, Pein. Really. Just because they're being childish and immature doesn't mean they aren't ruthless killers ready to help you on your way to world domination. I promise."

"Th-this is not... daycare..." Leader leaned on Konan, who smiled warmly at him, patted his spiky head and then stood slowly, propping him up against the wall.

"I'll be back in a moment," she promised, leaving the room as calmly and quietly as she could. As soon as the door closed behind her, she made a sprint for Zetsu's room... well, greenhouse. Fast and stealthy as she was able, she located his address book and flipped it over to the phone number of one Mr. Jekyll. She dialled, then sat down, eyeing up the rather vicious-looking plant on the other side of the room.

"Hello?"

"Hello, is that Mr. Smith's psychiatrist?" It was not known whether Smith was Zetsu's alias or his real family name. Frankly, nobody much cared.

"Yes, it is. Can I help you?"

"Um, yeah, I hear you're good. My friend has a problem, see..."

"Oh, sure, your _friend_ has a problem. So how can I help your _friend_?"

"Well, his name is..." Konan paused, then flipped open Zetsu's diary in search of a name. "Leader – NO! Pein! No, that's not right! His name is, um... BOB! Yes! His name is Bob! This man of which I now speak is named Bob, and only Bob!"

"Uh-huh. And... how does he feel about this name?"

"Oh, don't dig into his childhood, I know his problem. He's on the verge of a nervous breakdown. What do I do?"

"Well, do you know _why_ he's on the verge of a nervous breakdown?"

"Well, yes, but that's... a bit... complicated." She turned the page in Zetsu's diary. There was a daisy doodled in the corner.

"Rest assured, madam, whatever you tell me will be in the _strictest _confidence."

"Well..." Who was Daisy, and why was Zetsu writing her love poetry? Really awful love poetry, too. With hearts drawn all around it. "Are you certain of that? If I told you something really bad, you wouldn't be able to go running to the law or anything?" Her name was on the next page. He'd _noticed _the new flower in her hair? How sweet.

"Yes, madam. I can reveal absolutely nothing of what you tell me."

"Okay. He's the leader of a group of criminal masterminds bent on world domination. We've already killed hundreds of people just for funding, let alone the slaughter we'll wreak when we finally acquire all the tailed beasts." _Tuesday. Hidan only swore 42 times. Is he feeling well? A door-to-door salesman came trying to make us buy double-glazing. I ate him. Saw Orochimaru too. He was eating a pie._

"Oh! You're Zetsu's friends!"

Konan brightened up. "Yes, yes we are! And Leader's trying to keep our reputation as pure evil incarnate and cold-blooded killers, but to be honest we like to have fun too. They're out there having a snowball fight now. Poor Leader's nearly cracked. What do I do?"

"It's _snowing_?"

"Yes, it's... hello? Hello? Are you still there?" The line was dead. Whoops and shouts and laughter could be heard from afar. "I know where your children go to school," Konan said quietly before closing her phone.

_Wednesday. Does Deidara have a crush on Itachi? How tragic, the poor man. Called Daisy eighteen times. She didn't pick up. I went to her house and ate her. She tasted nice._

* * *

Leader was still crouched exactly where she left him. She put on a bright smile and practically dragged him to his feet. "You know what, Pein? I know exactly what to do!" His eyes were red and puffy, but dry now. "Let's have a vacation! Somewhere warm. The seaside!"

* * *

_Akatsuki Inferior Dogs,_

_Leader threw a hissy fit and I decided it's because of you lot so we're off for a holiday. We'll be back in two weeks. Itachi, you're in charge. Remember to feed Tobi at least twice a day, and take Anno for a walk sometimes. Don't blow up the hideout or anything. Rei has my mobile number._

_Love, Konan x_

_P.S. Zetsu, your psychiatrist sucks._

"Leader's... gone?" Kisame stared at the note in disbelief. With no warning at all, Leader and Konan had slipped away that morning and left only a note pegged to the door.

"Itachi's in charge?" Deidara glanced uneasily at the Uchiha, whose eyes glinted with the tiniest hint of mischief. "What do we, um... do?"

"_Do? _We've got two weeks of no Leader!" Tei burst through the front door into the garden. The assembled Akatsuki all stared at her, then she sent a snowball straight into Sasori's face. The Akatsuki all went outside, some skipping and running, some walking with dignity, one tripping on the doormat and bruising his nose on the cobbles outside.

Whilst the majority continued with their snowball fight, Itachi sat back, content to be a spectator; he had only thrown one snowball in his entire life, and it had had a rock in it. All was happy and well, until suddenly Deidara's eyes widened and he turned back to the house. "Wait a minute, did I remember to put away my-"

The word 'boom' does not really cover what followed. Neither do 'bang', 'crash', 'smash', 'kapow' or 'boing', or even '_ding_'. But perhaps if we combined them, they could roughly manage to cope. Boombangcrashsmashkapowboing_ding_ might do it.

Yes, there was a boombangcrashsmashkapowboing_ding._

Itachi, who had stood with his back to the hideout, began slowly to turn around. Deidara grabbed his shoulders. "Um... I don't think looking behind you is a good idea right now."

Itachi closed his eyes, sighing. "What would I see if I did turn around?"

"Well... nothing, really."

"What about the house?"

Deidara drew a long breath. "The house is, um... removed from the picture."

"You blew up the hideout, didn't you?"

Deidara looked guiltily around, found that his fellow Akatsuki had, in fact, already fled Itachi's wrath, and turned back to the Uchiha in charge. "Well, I might have done something to that effect... a little bit... not really... it's just a bit of... barely a scratch, really... it's not exactly _damaged_ as such, it's just..."

At this point, the Uchiha's legendary self-control finally failed him, and he whipped around. Deidara was right. The hideout was not really _damaged_. For something to be _damaged_, that thing has to actually exist, and what the Akatsuki Hideout was most definitely _not _doing right now was existing.

He turned back from the pile of rubble, kunai in hand, but the blonde bomber had already fled. Itachi sighed, and spoke to the empty street.

"Leader is going to be..." There was not really a word for what Leader was going to be, so he settled for Konan's own terminology, complete with carefully pronounced capital letters. "... Pissed Off."

* * *

"Konan, did the ground just shake?"

Konan looked at Leader from her seat opposite him on the train. "I'm sure it's nothing."

"I thought I heard a... well, not really a _boom_, it sounded more like a... not quite a _bang _or a _crash..."_

"Leader, stop worrying! Enjoy your vacation. The Akatsuki will be just fine."

* * *

A/N To be continued! Okay, so I know I've got way too many stories on the go. I have half of the next chapter of Sweet Angels done, but I've done nothing for Kisame's Devious Plan, Simon's Sparkles, Nobody Saw It Coming, or _any _of my Final Fantasy stuff. On the plus side, Murderous Fanatucs Can Have Bad Days is going to become a weekly thing on account of my sister's competition. The next chapter has to involve an ostrich!

About this: I know how it'll end, I'm just not quite sure how to get there. But my New Years Resoloution was to finish every story I have on the go in time for 2010, so hopefully you'll see an end to everything eventually.

Peace, out.


	2. The Going Gets Tough

A/N Okay, so I didn't do my challenge. I was tired! Don't be mean. I used a random word generator for the challenge, and it was 'cousin'.

**

* * *

T minus 13 days and 15 hours**

There is a time-honoured saying: when the going gets tough, the tough go to the conference hall for a serious discussion over coffee and biscuits.

Sadly, although the going had undeniably gotten tough, the tough could not go to the conference hall, as it no longer existed. But still, they gravitated to that particular patch of the rubble that had, until very recently, been their hideout, house and, yes, their home. It had taken two hours for the various Akatsuki to materialise, another hour and some heavy rocks to convince Itachi not to kill Deidara, and a further six hours to locate Deidara and get him to come down from that tree. Then the space of a few seconds for Itachi to lunge at the frazzled bomber, and find himself crushed beneath his ten comrades before he could quite reach.

Now they sat in the ruins of the hideout, Deidara cowering behind Hidan and Sasori, whilst Kisame and Kakuzu sat by Itachi in case he lost his temper again. Zetsu had gone home; somehow, the greenhouse had remained completely unscathed. Even the Akatsuki's pet hawktopus poked one huge, curious eye above the surface of the pond.

"Well... something must be done," Kisame said eventually.

"Yeah..." This from Sasori. Silence reigned again, until Hidan spoke.

"I've got an idea."

"Yeah?"

"Okay, first off, we buy some train tickets for as far away from here as we can get. They we buy train tickets from as far away from _there _as we can get-"

"Enough!" Itachi flashed Hidan his darkest look, usually reserved only for those who took the last muffin at his favourite bakery. "Leader could kill us from a different dimension, let alone a different country. We need to somehow re-build the hideout. _Fast_. We need _money_!"

"But all our cards and wallets were inside the house!" Kakuzu wailed mournfully.

"We could pimp Anno," Rei suggested.

"Hey!"

"Shut up, Anno," Tei snapped, smacking him upside the head. "You have no rights." He looked down, defeated. "Why don't we call Konan?"

"What would that achieve?"

"_Gllrrrrrrp_." This from the hawktopus, who had grown bored, and now swam back down to the treasure-coated bottom of the pond.

"She could... stall Leader or something?"

Itachi nodded slowly. "I suppose we'll have to. Then we'll properly assess the damage. And somebody get me a goddamn coffee." Whilst Anno was sent to attempt to lift the huge section of the roof that had landed on the kitchen, Rei flipped open her phone to deliver the bad news.

* * *

"Are you having fun yet?"

"..."

Leader was looking up at the front of the most fancy, expensive hotel Konan had been able to locate, completely indifferent and actually still quite depressed. Konan grinned, raised her hands and clapped twice, sharply. A smartly-dressed young blonde man came hurrying out of the colossal double-doors, stopped a few feet short of them and bowed courteously.

"Welcome to the Hotel Golden, Sir and Madam! I guarantee you, the time you spend here will be the most amazing you have ever had, or your money back! My name is Tizu and I'm here to help you! Anything you need, you name it! Madam, you look wonderful today! Sir, you look..." Tizu's painfully bright smile faltered for a fraction of a second as he looked into the murderous eyes of Leader. "... tall! Most particularly tall, indeed, sir! May I presume to take your bags?"

"Um..." Good God, that smile was huge. It was a little worrying. "Sure, if you don't mind..."

"Madam, carrying bags is the thing I love more than anything else in the world! The honour is all mine! And such _tasteful _bags, too! Oh, I feel tingly just touching them!"

Konan struggled to think of something polite to say, but was finding it difficult because the overriding thought in her mind was _this kid needs to get laid, big-time. _Then that thought produced a mental image, and she was forced to turn away in horror. Fortunately, her mobile phone rang at the perfect moment. She flipped it open, went quickly past the pleasantries and got down to the point with remarkable swiftness. Then she laughed. Then she laughed some more. Then she was told it was not a joke, was sent an image of her home, and excused herself hastily from Leader's company, completely silent until she got to the ladies' room, which was completely empty save for a red-clad servant to wash her hands, another to dry them, and another on the door to bid her welcome and farewell. Then, and only then, she spoke.

"You... blew up... the hideout... after I _specifically _told you not to?"

"Well, strictly speaking it was Deidara who-"

"I don't care! I'm here trying to make him feel _better _about the fact that he runs a freaking _daycare_ for S-class criminals, and what do you do? You reduced our home to a mouldering mound of _rubble_! You are officially idiots!"

"Yeah, we know. Look, the thing is... we need all the time we can get to try and put things right. Can you try to stall Leader?"

"_Put things right_? What'll you do, re-build the place?"

"We'll try."

Konan put the phone down to massage her temples. Rei, as always, sounded completely unconcerned by the two-week deadline suddenly put on her life. Then she picked up the phone again, steeling herself before she spoke. "Okay... I'll do what I can... but I can only get you a few hours at the most. I can't see that saving your life."

"You're an angel, Konan. I'll let you know how it goes." Konan growled as she flipped the phone closed, then glared at her reflection in the mirror as her nails scratched deep welts into the marble sink. One of the attendants spoke.

"Madam appears to be stressed and frustrated."

"Well, whoop-de-freakin' do with fluffy kittens on top, Sherlock."

"Perhaps madam would like to vent her frustration?"

Konan paused to look the attendant up and down. He was strong, tall, young and quite handsome. She smiled.

Two seconds later the man went flying through the outside wall of the hotel, face a bloody mess, and Konan found another attendant running forwards to wash the blood from her knuckles. "A most excellent shot, madam," he praised her. She blinked, a little confused, but allowed herself to be pampered for a while before returning to Leader, who was watching Tizu with clear murderous intent.

* * *

Esme had owned her bar and club for nigh on thirty years, though she still looked like paedophile-bait. It was a trait of all the females of her extended family, along with looking exactly alike, having madly coloured hair (hers was an odd, wild blend of red, black and purple), at least five ex-husbands, the name (or possibly title) of Esme, and owning a business called Esme's. There was no family name, and no males to be seen. They were simply called the Esmes, and there was at least one in every town in the civilised world.

The Esme of Akatsuki's nameless village was quite familiar with the S-class criminal organisation that both ruled and protected her. They often came to Esme's to drown their sorrows; sometimes they even came for a Good Time. They came merry, they came sad, they came spattered in blood and sporting broken bones, they came in drag; once, they had come in skimpy animal costumes. But never, _never _had they filed in looking quite so miserable. Even Tobi (who was not allowed to drink alcohol) hung his head and kicked the ground as he walked. Tei was already holding a half-empty bottle of tequila, from which she was taking swigs.

Something was horribly, horribly wrong here.

But she smiled brightly all the same. "Hey, guys!"

"Will you get these people out of here?"

Esme nodded to the Uchiha, recognising a man who wanted a bar to himself. She banged her fist on the counter a few times to get the attention of the customers."All right, guys, listen up! Anybody still here in five seconds, I'm calling in your tabs!"

Never had any non-ninja moved so fast as the occupants of that room. The door admitted some tumbleweed before swinging closed. Esme sighed.

"You look like you could use some liquid happy."

"You know what we like."

* * *

**T minus 13 days and 10 hours**

"S-so then he- then she- then we- then there was a bang boom thingy noise, then 'Tachi-kun got_ real _mad_..." _Tei's detailed account of the events of not long ago came to an abrupt halt as she fell from her stool. Rei nudged her with a foot, sighed and necked her thirty-first shot. Kisame, sat next to her, smirked and downed his thirty-second. Esme re-filled the glasses, looking around her bar.

Deidara and Kakuzu were asleep leaning on each other, Deidara hugging a bottle of cocktail mix and Kakuzu with several empty beer bottles balanced on him. Rei and Kisame were still within their drinking contest. Hidan, who had finally conceded that maybe under certain circumstances alcohol was not a sin, lay on his back across a table having a staring contest with Sasori, who was supposed to be refereeing Rimu and Tobi's darts contest; the actual darts board had suffered a horrible fate and so the substitute was drawn in chalk on the wall. Anno had gone into a fit of depression and was huddled up in a corner sobbing and muttering to himself, whilst Zetsu had gone outside to try to liberate Esmé's herb garden. Tei, who had already passed out twice, was stirring again.

Itachi, who had a remarkably low tolerance for alcohol, was sat under the window carving what appeared to be a suicide not on the table with a kunai. Tobi's pet friend, Sai, had been tied to a lamp-post outside, but peered in through the window, munching at the crisps Esme had supplied him with. Ah yes, her kindness knew no bounds.

In the end she wandered over to Itachi, her multiple petticoats rustling and the chains on her bodice jingling, removed the kunai as gently as she was able, and offered him - and the rest of the Akatsuki - use of her spare room for the duration of the rest of their lives (or they were to clear out in two weeks' time). He glumly accepted, then went back to staring in to space.

It was then, with the Akatsuki in various states of drunkenness, suicidalness and sober glumness, that Esme had an idea.

Wordlessly she left the keys to the bar on Deidara's head, took up her colossal mallet and left the bar, disappearing from the rest of the story entirely.

* * *

"Are you having fun yet?"

Leader stepped into his room (which was in fact much larger than his house, garden, field and lake combined), and looked around. Good God, the gold in this room! It was inlaid into everything. The tables, the chairs, the curtains, the floor tiles, the thick fur rugs, the doors... all over the walls and ceiling were those fancy old paintings of naked cherubs and cute angels. He sighed and shook his head. "No. Who called you?"

"Um... my cousin."

"You have a living relative? It's Akatsuki policy to get rid of family ties..."

"Yeah, well... nobody really obeys those rules."

"Really?"

"Really. Itachi's brother's still out there somewhere. Zetsu claims to be related to most of the garden, but I'm not really sure about that one. Um... Anno's grandmother's still in Konoha, but he couldn't kill her if he tried. That is one _nasty _old woman. And there's Kakuzu's perverted uncles, and quite a few others too..."

"My rules have been being completely ignored, haven't they?"

"Um..." Leader looked as though he was teetering between murderous fury and utter misery. Konan tried for the safe route. "Well, it hasn't really affected their performances in any way. The major rules are obeyed."

Leader sighed and sat on the bed, brushing aside the chocolates and rose-petals. "Why do I bother?"

"Money, glory and world domination?"

"Oh, yeah. Those. Yipee."

"Now say that again, only not so suicidal."

"Very funny." Konan looked around the huge, brightly-lit room, trying not to grin at the sight of the jacuzzi on the balcony. "Konan, I..." She sat beside him, waiting patiently. His voice shook a little. "I just don't feel evil any more. I don't think I have the energy."

"NO!" He looked up sharply as she leapt to her feet and shouted. "You did NOT just say that! You're EVIL, Pein! Evil incarnate! You're a horrible, terrible, evil, sadistic, cruel, cold-hearted, Hell-bound little son of a bitch, do you understand me?"

"That's the nicest thing you've ever said."

"Who are you and what have you done with Pein? No, hold on to that thought! I'll SHOW you you're evil, I know you are! Leave it to me!" She snatched up the gold-plated telephone and dialled room service. "Hello? Can I have a puppy, please? Yes, as adorable as possible. And some steel-toed boots. Big, heavy ones. Thanks." She slammed the phone down and gave Leader a fierce look. "RIGHT. I'll hold the puppy still, you wear the boots and I'll _prove _how evil you really are!"

* * *

A/N This author does not condone animal cruelty as a way of returning criminal masterminds to their usual, wicked selves!

And I'm sorry I'm late. I had to do coursework so I didn't get to do the challenge last week. I set my own challenge this time, so it's okay.

Peace, out.


	3. Trousers of Solid Gold

A/N For the weekly challenge. I went about 100 over the word-count, but the challenge was really hard! You know how it's usually one word? It was five this week! "departments", "glove", "situating", "gang", "concede". And it was _hard_! Plus I'm two days late, but oh well. Aster hasn't posted yet.**

* * *

**

"Are you having fun yet?"

"…"

They stood outside the restaurant at Hotel Golden, where finely dressed men and women hurried all around them in their rush to eat the food which, Konan supposed, was probably one of the few things in Hotel Golden to not contain very much gold. Leader, having been dragged unceremoniously out of bed five minutes ago, was still wearing his pyjamas, which earned them a few odd looks; Konan had dressed for the heat in shorts and a bikini top.

However, in their search to get into the dining area for breakfast, they were suddenly stopped by a giant beard with a very short attendant behind it. Out from behind the beard came one white-gloved hand to halt them politely. "Excuse me, sir, but sir may not enter," said the beard.

"Why not?" Konan asked. Leader's eyes narrowed; he was hungry. And therefore deadly.

"Because sir does not comply with the breakfast hall dress code," answered the beard.

"What dress code?"

"To enter this breakfast hall, one must be wearing trousers of solid gold."

An awkward silence followed this statement. Leader, for once interested, glanced around to see that the other breakfasters were in fact struggling along in trousers of solid gold; there was an awful lot of hobbling. "I suppose that's fair," Konan conceded eventually. "Sorry." She took Leader by the arm and led him away, carefully removing the kunai from his hand. "Don't worry, Leader, it's okay. We'll find somewhere else to eat."

"Where?"

"I don't know. Let's rob an old lady's sandwich or something. I'm still not entirely satisfied that you're evil again."

"Konan, you _know _I'm-"

_Yip._

They both turned to face the utterly adorable little puppy who had been following Leader since last night. It yipped again, excited, then started to chase its tail. Konan sighed. "You know… that puppy reminds me of someone."

"Who?"

"Not sure."

* * *

**T minus 12 days**

Tobi squealed excitedly, then caught sight of the trailing ribbons of his mask and span around chasing them. Itachi rolled his eyes.

The gang were back at the hideout, half of them nursing hangovers. The damage was horrible. The foundations of the house were visible. At least the lower floors were free from destruction, but aside from that, the entire base was completely in ruins. Zetsu and Kisame had been sent to the department store in town to buy supplies; cement mix, ladders, super glue and duct tape. Kakuzu had dug up the original plans of the building, and was on the phone to a building company. Rei was cooking breakfast over an open fire; she had not told them what meat she was cooking, but neighbours' alligator seemed to have disappeared. From the other side of the garden, the neighbourhood tortoise was halfway through his yearly patrol of the street.

"I don't think duct tape will work," Itachi said eventually.

"Oh, don't be so gloomy." Sasori, who was somehow not hung over, came to stand by Itachi's side. "We just need a bit of cardboard to hole up the gaps, then..."

"_Right_." Kakuzu snapped his phone shut. "The cheapest building company I could find said that to re-build the hideout would take about six months and the Akatsuki's collective weight in gold. Including all six of Leader's bodies and Sai."

"Okay..." Itachi sighed. "What do we actually _have_?"

"Twelve days and approximately..." Kakuzu dug into his pockets. "Good God, you couldn't even buy Anno's dignity with this!"

"Hey!"

"Shut up, Anno."

"HEY!" Rei put a protective arm over the hedgehog-like boy. "You haven't earned the right to talk to him like that."

"Thank you, Rei-san-"

"Shut up, Anno! Kakuzu, eat your breakfast."

"..." Kakuzu prodded the steaming broth. "What's in it?" He asked suspiciously. She winked and turned away.

"We're officially screwed," Hidan moaned.

"Where's Deidara?"

"He's hiding from you back at Esme's," said Kakuzu, picking up a spoonful of the broth.

"I vote we feed him to the Hawktopus," Rimu said. Itachi nodded thoughtfully.

"Or... we could fling him upon the furnace of Leader's Wrath." And then Itachi's pensiveness was broken suddenly by a brick flung from somewhere further down the street; he crumpled to the floor.

"Hello, Orochimaru," Sasori said without looking up. Orochimaru wandered a little closer.

"What's happened?"

Kakuzu sat down on the grass, sighing. "Leader had a nervous breakdown and went on holiday with Konan and then Deidara blew up the hideout, except that Itachi was left in charge so he'll get ripped to shreds along with Deidara when Leader gets back."

"Breakfast?"

"Thanks." Orochimaru took a bowl of broth from Rei, and was stared at. In truth, every Akatsuki member except Itachi himself had at some point left out a snack or drink for Orochimaru when he came by every morning to fling his brick at the elder Uchiha through the kitchen window, but none of them would ever admit it. Even Tobi's pet friend Sai, who was sat on the wall watching the proceedings with interest, had one day crept out to leave toast and coffee for the snake-nin.

Because everybody has Uchiha issues. Because everything has Uchiha issues. Because, clear away the rubble at the end of the world, pick apart what's left and grind it through the finest sieve and cast it to the winds, and whatever remains when you come to collect it a thousand years from then, it will _still _have Uchiha issues.

Situating himself far away from Itachi's limp form, Orochimaru looked out over the rubble. "Well, putting it back together shouldn't be _too _hard," he said eventually. "You just need money and man-power."

"We have neither of these things," Kakuzu sighed, taking a cautious spoonful of broth.

"Can't we call on family to help us out?"

"Shut up, Anno. That's a good idea." Sasori sighed. "But as far as Leader's concerned, we haven't got family..." Unseen by the present Akatsuki and snake-nin paedophile, Sai began to adopt a small smile. For what reason? Possibly a plot point. Who knows? Maybe you'll find out in the next chapter. Or maybe... _eleven chapters from now_! "Although as far as Leader's concerned, we didn't blow up the hideout."

There was a faint spluttering noise. Kakuzu flung his bowl to the ground, dropped the spoon from one shaking hand and began clawing at his throat, then collapsed into a crumpled heap. Rimu poked him with a toe. "Is he dead?"

Rei shrugged. "I never liked that guy."

"Great. That's our leader _and _our accountant out of action. What's _in _that stuff?"

Rei continued to stir the broth. "Well, I threw in a few things from Zetsu's garden..." Orochimaru glanced around, then carefully tipped his broth onto the grass.

"Didn't you notice it start to corrode the pot?"

"I _thought _there was something funny about it!"

* * *

A/N Like I said, way over the word count. Sorry. I didn't kill Kakuzu! He's just been set back a little bit. I like Orochimaru. I write him in with the Akatsuki a lot (Leader's Minor Problem, Akatsuki Alphabet, Murderous Fanatics Can Have Bad Days, ETCETERA!)

Peace, out.


End file.
